In all honesty I am lazy. I think I have always been lazy. But I am the busiest lazy person you will ever meet. I have hated the fact that I was lazy since I was a child, so in an effort to cure that part of my genetic code, I over-compensated by getting involved in everything.
During my school career I was in spelling bees, got ribbons for science fairs (that my parents didn’t help me with), participated in plays and musicals, band (flute), choir, the basketball team (I sucked), was on track (shotput and triple jump), was on the volleyball team, the swim team, junior varsity softball, varsity tennis, yearbook club, Canta Nova (singing), ASB, ASG, editor in chief of the college newspaper, editor of the college magazine.
I started working prior to my 16th birthday, and at some points of my college years I held down multiple jobs to make ends meet. (Ends have never met…)
I remember clearly when I was ousted of the 4th grade spelling bee. That is how devastating it was to my ethos. I got out on environment. I think I forgot the second n. The smarter girl in class got Platinum after me, and I was pissed as hell because I definitely knew how to spell Platinum. Duh.
I think it was that same year I ran for class president. I ran for class president for a few years. I seriously don’t know why I never got elected, because I guess I refused to accept that my classmates didn’t love me. Hmmmm. I always ran and I always lost. But it was the fourth grade year when I ran and I was the only one that voted for me. That was a little demoralizing for my pre-teen psyche. Well I am sure every presidential candidate has also voted for themselves. But the little assholes I was surrounded by at the time had to point it out. I wish I could go back and tell those kids to fuck off. Missed opportunities.
My childhood was so damaging. Not because my upbringing was damaging or because my environment was damaging, it is just because something has to be blamed for how I am now. It only makes sense that finally, in my 40s, I can sit down and actually remember and list (maybe in chronological order) all the reasons why I am so mentally fucked up now.
Anyone else relate to this or am I the only one?
Can anyone else out there remember trying and trying again and again and just getting knocked down all the time?
For the past couple of years I feel like I have stopped trying (since 2013 when I closed up my retail store which had been open for a decade and I decided to just get a government job because apparently that is what the smart people do.) I stopped going out of my way to join groups, or to volunteer for things anymore. In fact I pretty much stopped altogether until this year when I volunteered to staff an auction for my son’s music program and I just got frustrated at other people’s lack of (fill in the blank — experience, organization, mental ability, etc.) So I went home and wonder why I tried….again.
For the first couple of years of not filling my schedule with demands that I didn’t really have time for I felt guilty. But now I have given myself an “out.” An OK to not try so hard anymore. There is a catalyst for that way of thinking — someone loves me for who I am, not who I can be or who I am trying to be. Interestingly enough that person is not me, which is the point to most of these introspective blogs (I have learned to love myself! Alas no, I still haven’t learned to do that.) We are constantly being taught we need to love ourselves, but some of us will always hide behind embarrassment, shame, inadequacies, guilt and more. However now I have a partner who doesn’t smirk or make fun of me for being: too fat, too loud, too happy, too introverted, too extroverted, too short, too anxious, too depressed or just a complete whack job. I have someone in my life who embraces all of my faults, accepts me and loves me for who I am today. Here. Right now. He even defends me to be all those things.
It is pretty awesome to be loved. Especially on days when it is so hard to love yourself.
Right now I have a 18-year-old and a 14-year-old and even though I love them unconditionally because they are my kids, sometimes I really can’t stand them. But then I have to realize they are going through all the same thought processes that I do on a daily basis and are in the process of berate themselves internally and really, they just need someone to love them too. So I am going to do my best and just do that. Because I am hoping one day they will realize that I was there to just love them and maybe they will think that is pretty awesome too.